ZH3 Hash #1131: A break from Football
Hares: Squatty Potty, Sticky Fingers, One Night Wonder, Wet & Ready
RA: Smokin Cock
Scribe: yourself (guided by Weapon of Ass Destruction)
A choose your own hash-venture scribing
Instructions: Start at line 1, make choices, then move along to the indicated line…
—>1 As another day at the office draws to a close, you ponder how to spend your Thursday evening. You decide to…
## Go to the hash: Go to line 42
## Watch the World Cup: Go to line 12
## Go to a friend’s farewell party: Go to line 3
—>2 Sensing danger, you pour more beer and hand it out efficiently. Circle continues, everyone receiving their beer without even asking. No one even notices you’re there. After some questionable down downs, the RA closes the circle. Go to line 24.
—>3 A friend’s farewell party can’t be missed. You head over and commiserate over a few beers. Losing track of time, you realise you’ve completely missed the hash. Well, nothing to do now but keep your head down and avoid attention. Go to line 10.
—>4 Dot after dot, you prance along the trail like a gazelle. OnOn, OnOn, you are perfection. Nothing can stop this joy. But what is this? You look down… Go to line 27.
—>5 That was a bad idea. The beer bitch has gone from bad to worse. They sloppily stumble over to you to demand you stop with your nonsense. In response you…
##What time is it? Go to line 20
##Pipe down for once Go to line 24
—>6 After some strangely worded down downs by the RA, a nominee is left waiting for a beer. You…
##Shout ‘What time is it?’ Go to line 17
##Wait patiently to give a nomination Go to line 43
—>7 A classic nomination. The virgins nervously drink their beer and sneak back the outside of the circle. Next, you move on to the backflip guy. Go to line 28
—>8 Swaying back and forth, the beer bitch is starting to look worse for the wear. Again, a brief silence falls over the circle. You…
##What time is it? Go to line 5
##Finally nominate after waiting for ages Go to line 49
—>9 Well, well… that wasn’t well received and rebounded back to you. Nevertheless, the show must go on. Your next nomination is…
##Footsie throwing his dog into the fountain Go to line 15
##Virgins Go to line 7
—>10 You send a few taunting messages to the Mismanagement group, jokingly suggesting you could be the scribe without even attending. The committee, being filled with sick and sadistic hashers, takes you up on your offer. Not one to shy away from your duties, you begin scribing. The more you write, the more lost you become in your own story… Go to line 1
—>11 An X greets you and thanks you for your efforts. Return to the previous checkpoint. Go to line 26
—>12 The world cup only comes around once every 4 years, You can’t miss this… You head to a pub to watch the Japan vs. Poland match. Go to line 36.
—>13 You join the circle and vaguely pay attention as the hares ramble on about the same old markings. After what seems like an eternity, you are finally pointed in the right direction and take off.
##You are an athlete in peak performance Go to line 43
##You’ll get to the circle eventually Go to line 45
—>14 Everyone gathers around you as you. You expertly explain the trail, all of the intricacies and details are crystal clear. The whole circle looks on you with great admiration. Chalk talk done, you send them off towards the first checkpoint. Go to line 48
—>15 Everyone loves that dog, and it was hot… What were you thinking? A second rebound… now you have to use your A-material. You move on to the backflip guy. Go to line 29
—>16 Confidently, you kick off circle. After some well crafted banter, you move along to…
##Something about penetration and Kneels sporadically Go to line 9
##The Hares Go to line 34
—>17 The beer bitch’s efficiency hasn’t been improved by the greasing. Sensing another pause in the action, you…
##Ask the time again Go to line 8
##Shout ‘Ooo ooo ooo’ in an attempt to get your nomination in Go to line 49
—>18 Everything is getting blurry. You aren’t sure if you’ve been greased 3 or 5 times. Everything goes quiet. You look up to see the whole circle staring at you. Think of something, fast! You shout ‘What time is it?’ Go to line 21
—>19 You jog around the corner. You keep looking, through alleys and across bridges, farther and farther away. Things gradually look less familiar. Where are you? Why is everyone speaking Spanish? After days of trying, you slowly begin to accept your new life as a dishwasher in Buenos Aires.
—>20 The beer bitch responds to your latest query with a stream of vomit all over your brand new shoes. This draws the RA’s attention to them, and prompts you to baptise them and endure one of the least pleasant down downs of your career. The RA decides enough is enough and closes circle. Go to line 24.
—>21 Wait! You’re the beer bitch, your brilliant plan has backfired… The RA steps in and mercifully says ‘Time to close the circle.’ Go to line 24
—>22 Blue lights flash… you turn to run only to find more behind you. You’ve attracted some unwanted attention and now Zurich’s Finest surround you. As you roll away in the back of a police wagon, you change your RSVP for next week’s hash to a no…
—>23 Maybe it’s the beer, maybe you’re a bit thick, but you go to stutter and accidentally ask what time it is we start the hash. Before you can finish, someone jumps in with ‘Time to grease the beer bitch’. Another beer done, and you are longing for the end. You…
##Ask how much longer will circle be? You need to know if you need to open more cans. Go to line 18
##Stay focused, try to stretch out the beer you have left. Go to line 2
—>24 After the Chariots, Bands of Angels, and Scooby Doo, the hash goes in peace.
—>25 You wander into a nearby park. You see Ice Footsie struggling with Snuffler. It seems the dog is more than he can manage. Do you help?
##Of course Go to line 40
##His dog, his problem Go to line 30
—>26 You arrive at the first checkpoint. Which way will you check?
##Straight ahead Go to line 4
##Up the hill Go to line 11
##Through the cemetery Go to line 19
—>27 A fishhook… what kind of cruel mind could invent this kind of abomination? You are crestfallen, but you know what you must do. Go to line 37.
—>28 After a pantomime backflip, everyone chuckles. A well administered circle, indeed. Time to finish up. Go to line 24.
—>29 Before you can start, you are interrupted. Someone nominates the RA for the weather. After some time assembling the table, you yourself
are dead bugged. That’s enough for now. You wipe your face, then close the circle. Go to line 24.
—>30 You carry on and find a true treasure. A BN scribbled on the ground with flour. The end is in sight. You…
##Sprint to the end. A lower split time means more Kudos! Go to line 31
##Saunter to the end, circle won’t start for ages anyway. Go to line 46
—>31 You stop your GPS the instant you reach the BS. Feeling deeply fulfilled, you reach for a beer… but what’s this? You were too fast,
the beer isn’t here yet. You have to wait for the others. Go to line 46
—>32 Checkpoints come and go, the group is together and everyone is happy. But wait, where is Facial? He’s been gone for a while now,
should you go look for him?
##Of course, no man left behind. Go to line 19
##He gets lost every week, he’ll find his own way. Go to line 50
—>33 Everyone is a bit confused, but Slippery takes his down down and trudges out. You continue with the backflip guy. Go to line 28.
—>34 Everyone chuckles at the petty complaints and thanks the hares for the hard work and shitty trail. Next…
##Virgins Go to line 7
##Slippery Digit and the Zebra Crossing Go to line 33
—>35 You spring to action, pouring countless beers, ciders, and NAs. The RA mutters somethings about someone.
##You’re thirsty. What time is it? Go to line 41
##Quickly and quietly dispense the goods. Go to line 2
—>36 As the second half drags on, Japan passing the ball back and forth in their own half, you finish beer after beer. Staring intently at the screen, you gradually go mad. Go to line 47.
—>37 Like opposing sides of a trench war, two people come face to face. DFL and FRB together, if only briefly. But this is no time for sentiment, the beer awaits. Go to line 44.
—>38 Surely the unexpected way is the correct way. You dart across the street, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car. On the other side, it seems you’ve attracted some attention. Go to line 22.
—>39 You come across a marked through checkpoint, a delight. You trot along in the correct direction. But what’s this, some overconfident FRB is gloomily running back towards you. Go to line 37.
—>40 Wait… that isn’t Ice Footsie… You’ve just accosted some random stranger and stolen their dog. Go to line 22.
—>41 Ah, nothing like a cold beer to entertain yourself while beer bitching. Circle continues. After some time, you question what you should do next.
##Make a nomination about people being late Go to line 23
##Refill the empty cups Go to line 2
—>42 Being of sound mind and poor liver, you decide to go to the hash.
##After all, you were the hare, you can’t miss your own hash. Go to line 14
##A bit of running and beer would certainly be better than endless World Cup coverage. Go to line 13
—>43 With Strava already running, you sprint down the road at maximum speed, you have Kudos to earn. Go to line 26.
—>44 A checkpoint. But which way to go?
##The narrow alleyway Go to line 30
##Cross the busy street Go to line 38
##Into the grassy field Go to line 25
—>45 It’s going to be a long trail, and you’re already tired from work. No need to rush. Being a sensible DFL, you amble off. When you finally arrive at the checkpoint, no one is around… it’s not marked through… You listen and barely make out OnOn and see a flash of familiar haberdashery. You trot along. Go to line 39.
—>46 Everyone is finally together again. You grab a beer and circle begins.
##You are the RA Go to line 16
##You are the beer bitch Go to line 35
##You settle into the outside of the circle Go to line 6
—>47 After 10 minutes of sideways passes, something snaps in your head. You tear your shirt off and run screaming out of the pub. Swimming naked in a fountain screaming something about Inverting the Pyramid and false 9s has eased your troubles. You stand up and begin to look for your underwear when… Go to line 22.
—>48 As you reach the first checkpoint, OnOn is called and you mark through and move on. This is going perfectly. Go to line 32.
—>49 You stand with your drink on your head waiting to give a nomination. Your arms grow tired, you switch hands, then back again. Sadly, announcements come and go, and the hash is deprived of your witty nomination. The RA closes the circle. Go to line 24.
—>50 After a tiring day, you come to the Beer Near, for the second time. Go to line 46.