Hares: Premature Cocksucker and Canada Wet

Attendance: around 25, including 3 separate visitors, sadly no virgins

Religious Adviser: Asphalt Liquor

Scribe: Aspalt Liquor

Visitor of Note: Superman

Let’s start with why. Why on earth was this hash about burning trains? Well, last Thursday, on almost certainly the most important and prestigious hash of the year (#1501), also known as the hashiversary of Licking Asphalt, a train caught fire in Alstetten. Not only was this BIG SWISS NEWS, and almost certainly all blame laid with the train-maker Out of Africa, but it also had the catastrophic effect of making almost every half-mind arrive late to the hash. When I say late, I am not talking “Swiss Late”, I mean, only-just-making-it-for-circle late. Within seconds of this tragic event unfolding, and certainly before any assertion of human casualties, the hares of hash #1502 had already booked a slot in the hareline and aptly named it, the Burning Train Hash. #toosoon

So with that out of the way, the scribe can now detail the important parts of the trail: 

1) The chalk talk was mercifully swiftly carried out by Canada Wet as the other hare was laying a live trail. 

2) Just Matt (very keen, 6th time hashing all American real boy) questioned what a “live trail” was (oh to be so young, oh to experience all the confusion and oh for the joy of discovery all over again.. scribe wistful sighs, chin in hand).  

3) Both males and dogs outnumbered harriettes by about 4 to 1… more on the significance of this later.

4) It was said that some lucky hashers witnessed Canada Wet (famous in his identification of gender fluidity) actually running. Exact time and date were noted, so that this historic event would be forever etched in our minds; just in case, in the future, anyone said, “where were you when hashers witnessed Canada Wet actually running?”

5) Moose Diver went to the future and came back with a hash tshirt from the aloha hash of August 2023. Don’t ask me. #onlyonthehash

6) Despite the general enthusiasm of Just Matt the hare was not caught and we didn’t get to see his willy

The best part of the trail, not mentioned by the RA in circle, whose mind was addled by the heat, was when a random civilian exited his own home and ran onto his street as he had, in that exact moment, decided it was time for his evening jog. Imagine what must have gone through his mind when on exiting his garden gate and entering  his tiny street he was joined by tens of hashers shouting “on on” and racing past him in their bright clothing and eccentric looks. 

But the very best part of the whole hash #1502 was perhaps the least expected. It was certainly the best announcement ever made in a ZH3 circle in 33 years of its existence. In answer to “any more announcements?” Two Boobs Too Many put her coke bottle gingerly on the top of the her head. “Ahem, I do,” she said somewhat nervously, “and its is a personal one. I know I am going to regret this.” She hopped from foot to foot. “As many of you know, I am a forensic scientist.” She declared as she started slowly turning a lovely crimson colour. “And we do important research and so I need to ask you to… ahem… give a sample, you know for science.” Immediate excitement from the circle who, you may (or may not) recall, were all mainly male hashers. “Need me to jizz?” Shouted one older male hasher, “Here I come down your way” shouted another. At this point the RA pulled Too Boobs into the centre of the circle. “Well, yes, I do need your semen. You know, for science. But only from those who are over the age of 40”. Much MORE EXCITEMENT ensued, followed by various shouts of “old cum collector”, “only likes old spunk” and “comes in cups”. And then, much to the scribe’s surprise, just as a circle ended, Too Boobs started handing out the sampling kits she had actually BROUGHT with her to the hash. Little did she know just how popular her cups would be. Sadly, she had underestimated how keen hashers are to deposit for science. Horror of all horrors, she simply hadn’t brought enough. #jiz4justice

And now the scribe must rest her weary head and try to get enough rest to make it through Friday.  Burn on. On On. Happy jizzing.