ZH3 Hash #1131: A break from Football
Hares: Squatty Potty, Sticky Fingers, One Night Wonder, Wet & Ready
RA: Smokin Cock
Scribe: yourself (guided by Weapon of Ass Destruction)
A choose your own hash-venture scribing
Instructions: Start at line 1, make choices, then move along to the indicated line…
—>2 Sensing danger, you pour more beer and hand it out efficiently. Circle continues, everyone receiving their beer without even asking. No one even notices you’re there. After some questionable down downs, the RA closes the circle. Go to line 24.
—>3 A friend’s farewell party can’t be missed. You head over and commiserate over a few beers. Losing track of time, you realise you’ve completely missed the hash. Well, nothing to do now but keep your head down and avoid attention. Go to line 10.
—>4 Dot after dot, you prance along the trail like a gazelle. OnOn, OnOn, you are perfection. Nothing can stop this joy. But what is this? You look down… Go to line 27.
—>7 A classic nomination. The virgins nervously drink their beer and sneak back the outside of the circle. Next, you move on to the backflip guy. Go to line 28
—>10 You send a few taunting messages to the Mismanagement group, jokingly suggesting you could be the scribe without even attending. The committee, being filled with sick and sadistic hashers, takes you up on your offer. Not one to shy away from your duties, you begin scribing. The more you write, the more lost you become in your own story… Go to line 1
—>11 An X greets you and thanks you for your efforts. Return to the previous checkpoint. Go to line 26
—>12 The world cup only comes around once every 4 years, You can’t miss this… You head to a pub to watch the Japan vs. Poland match. Go to line 36.
—>14 Everyone gathers around you as you. You expertly explain the trail, all of the intricacies and details are crystal clear. The whole circle looks on you with great admiration. Chalk talk done, you send them off towards the first checkpoint. Go to line 48
—>15 Everyone loves that dog, and it was hot… What were you thinking? A second rebound… now you have to use your A-material. You move on to the backflip guy. Go to line 29
##Something about penetration and Kneels sporadically Go to line 9
##The Hares Go to line 34
—>18 Everything is getting blurry. You aren’t sure if you’ve been greased 3 or 5 times. Everything goes quiet. You look up to see the whole circle staring at you. Think of something, fast! You shout ‘What time is it?’ Go to line 21
—>19 You jog around the corner. You keep looking, through alleys and across bridges, farther and farther away. Things gradually look less familiar. Where are you? Why is everyone speaking Spanish? After days of trying, you slowly begin to accept your new life as a dishwasher in Buenos Aires.
—>20 The beer bitch responds to your latest query with a stream of vomit all over your brand new shoes. This draws the RA’s attention to them, and prompts you to baptise them and endure one of the least pleasant down downs of your career. The RA decides enough is enough and closes circle. Go to line 24.
—>21 Wait! You’re the beer bitch, your brilliant plan has backfired… The RA steps in and mercifully says ‘Time to close the circle.’ Go to line 24
—>22 Blue lights flash… you turn to run only to find more behind you. You’ve attracted some unwanted attention and now Zurich’s Finest surround you. As you roll away in the back of a police wagon, you change your RSVP for next week’s hash to a no…
—>23 Maybe it’s the beer, maybe you’re a bit thick, but you go to stutter and accidentally ask what time it is we start the hash. Before you can finish, someone jumps in with ‘Time to grease the beer bitch’. Another beer done, and you are longing for the end. You…
—>27 A fishhook… what kind of cruel mind could invent this kind of abomination? You are crestfallen, but you know what you must do. Go to line 37.
—>28 After a pantomime backflip, everyone chuckles. A well administered circle, indeed. Time to finish up. Go to line 24.
—>29 Before you can start, you are interrupted. Someone nominates the RA for the weather. After some time assembling the table, you yourself
are dead bugged. That’s enough for now. You wipe your face, then close the circle. Go to line 24.
—>31 You stop your GPS the instant you reach the BS. Feeling deeply fulfilled, you reach for a beer… but what’s this? You were too fast,
the beer isn’t here yet. You have to wait for the others. Go to line 46
—>33 Everyone is a bit confused, but Slippery takes his down down and trudges out. You continue with the backflip guy. Go to line 28.
—>36 As the second half drags on, Japan passing the ball back and forth in their own half, you finish beer after beer. Staring intently at the screen, you gradually go mad. Go to line 47.
—>37 Like opposing sides of a trench war, two people come face to face. DFL and FRB together, if only briefly. But this is no time for sentiment, the beer awaits. Go to line 44.
—>38 Surely the unexpected way is the correct way. You dart across the street, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car. On the other side, it seems you’ve attracted some attention. Go to line 22.
—>39 You come across a marked through checkpoint, a delight. You trot along in the correct direction. But what’s this, some overconfident FRB is gloomily running back towards you. Go to line 37.
—>40 Wait… that isn’t Ice Footsie… You’ve just accosted some random stranger and stolen their dog. Go to line 22.
—>43 With Strava already running, you sprint down the road at maximum speed, you have Kudos to earn. Go to line 26.
—>45 It’s going to be a long trail, and you’re already tired from work. No need to rush. Being a sensible DFL, you amble off. When you finally arrive at the checkpoint, no one is around… it’s not marked through… You listen and barely make out OnOn and see a flash of familiar haberdashery. You trot along. Go to line 39.
—>47 After 10 minutes of sideways passes, something snaps in your head. You tear your shirt off and run screaming out of the pub. Swimming naked in a fountain screaming something about Inverting the Pyramid and false 9s has eased your troubles. You stand up and begin to look for your underwear when… Go to line 22.
—>48 As you reach the first checkpoint, OnOn is called and you mark through and move on. This is going perfectly. Go to line 32.
—>49 You stand with your drink on your head waiting to give a nomination. Your arms grow tired, you switch hands, then back again. Sadly, announcements come and go, and the hash is deprived of your witty nomination. The RA closes the circle. Go to line 24.
—>50 After a tiring day, you come to the Beer Near, for the second time. Go to line 46.