Category: Write-Ups (page 2 of 2)

ZH3 Hash #1078: Man up and dress like a Fairy – Write-up

Name: ZH3 Hash #1078: Man up and dress like a Fairy

Location: Bonesklinic, Austrasse 19, Zürich

Hare: Naked and Wasted, Shogginatrix

RA: Weapons of Ass Destruction

Attendance: 38 half-minds and one dogs

Scribe: Butt Bugger, support from Shamcock and MeMe

Even on the 2nd of November, the darkness comes early. The group set off on their quest to find the shot stop and beer stop in full darkness. While the others ran off eagerly yelling, we (Team Cripple) squared ourselves up to the challenge grimly. Would it be beyond us?

Off we went, three people, four legs, four crutches. We soon found another pilgrim lost in the darkness. Our numbers increased, we continued to forge forward, now with 10 legs, but still four crutches. We were cautiously optimistic, but a debate grew up around the quickest and easiest way to achieve our objective. Realizing we had been led astray, our optimism dimmed but was fortified by a grim determination. We would make the shot stop. We continued on, up the hill, up into the bus, always moving upwards. The last stretch was steep, it was dark, and it was difficult. Sweat poured off of us, slicking the plastic grips of the evil crutches we were doomed to depend on. We crested the final steps to the cheers of the exultant walkers, whom we can safely say were most enthusiastic about the shot stop carried by one of our faithful group members.

We lounged, sipped slowly, relishing our victory, the vantage of our position high above the city lights well earned, well fought for. The calls of the runners sounded through the woods, indistinct but growing closer. We struggled back to our feet to greet the triumphant runners as they zero-ed in on the mead and jello shot rewards, kindly carried and hand-made with love and hopefully minimal bodily fluids, by MeMe. We knew our return journey would be slow and painful, leaving us far behind the baying crowd as they circled in towards the final beer stop. A small abuse of technology on trail summoned our savior; Yilkan, of the great city of Istanbul. We piled quickly into his black chariot and chatted and laughed as we past our sweating, and laboring, compatriots. Triumphantly reaching the bag drop with the middle of the pack runners, we invited Yilkan to come join us some Thursday evening when he wasn’t working, and turned to the task of carrying and assembling the beer stop.

The runners, who I guess probably did something cool or hard or heroic or stupid, were sweaty and steaming lightly under their tutus and fairy wings. It turns out they stupidly followed the hare when he confusedly pointed at a sheer cliff and said maybe it’s that way, but I don’t really know. The virgins were among the first up the hill, but they can’t really be blamed for their trust, as virgins, they know nothing. At this point half the hash said f*ck this and took off down the road, while the other half continued to follow and find true trail like good hashers. 

Out of Africa appeared out of the darkest stretch of wood (Editors note: That’s racist), living up to his name, but then, somehow got lost again before the circle.

Some claim it was more than 10km, so clearly they did something wrong and should try less hard. Their struggles and labors were rewarded, after a short trick uphill section, with a well stocked beer stop. The Chopfab flowed freely, street lights glinting off unicorn and viking horns, the contented chatter flying high than the less-than-20-franc wings would ever carry the hashers. Special snacks were provided, carefully and laboriously smuggled into the country over the border from a far and distant land by the diligent hariette. Strange flavors snuck into seemingly benign bags lead for an adventure filled experience, would it be plain or would it be smelly cheese and onion chips? Only one way to find out. 

The crowd reluctantly simmered into what could almost be mistaken for an attentive audience, and were not disappointed by anything other than the poor puns of the overly ambitious RA, Weapon of Ass Destruction. Though he did seem to delight with his re-christening of Grab My Sack as Kevin Spacey. Burn! Grab My Sack and Kneels Sporadically were victoriously crowned as the King and Queen of the half-assed fairy world, receiving what appears to be a pair of loafers, and a seven sided light up hentai style head mounted dildo respectively. We were awed to realize that Kneels Sporadically was actually the purveyor of both impressive, if retrospectively very similar, fairy costumes. Perhaps if she spent less time on couture she could kneel more frequently, who knows.

Finally, at last, the beer drunk, the snacks eaten, Crinchy thoroughly down-downed for her dog whom would not stay out of the circle, and the Beer Bitch thoroughly greased, we laboriously pulled ourselves to our feet for the return to the drinking horn and bra infested Bonesklinik for a last (or ten) mead (which should not be consumed by the pint. Trust me). Butt Bugger once against bested Smoking Cock in the race to the bar, confirming her position as the Queen of Team Cripple, alternatively known as the Shitty Ankle Squad. Racist behaviour is bad. Don’t do it. The after party raged long into the night, as the hashers outlasted even the grim, black clad, amazingly kind and ernest metal-head bar owners. The last hashers standing staggered out to catch the last buses and trains to their homes near and far, blissfully unaware of the misery of their future headaches. 

Notable Down Downs:

  • Too many to count for the hares – who somehow avoided dead bugs
  • Somewhere approaching a million for Crinchy for her dogs continued attempt to eat the snacks in the middle of the circle
  • On Wagons and Off Wagons and In Ubers – Butt Bugger, MeMe and Smoking Cock
  • Loves it Down Under’s rebound for her incorrectly assuming the hares should be punished for attempting to kill the hashers, incorrect in assuming that this is not the express purpose, incorrect in comparison to that time 00Semen tried to kill us on Uetliburg, or that time the Americans tried to kill with an active firing range, or that one hash where some people ran in front of a train, or that Winterfest where everyone (except three who were in the car drinking) got hypothermia …
  • MeMe made jello shots
  • Recirculated costumes, or costumes stolen from their children – too many to name
  • Costume prizes for Grab my Sack aka Kevin Spacey and Kneels Sporadically, both made by Kneels Sporadically. Special mention to the two virgins, Just Sean and Just Simon, who turned up in costume for their first time.

Venue: Bonesklinik is awesome. I think I probably had 3-4 free shots from the bartenders and believe Shoggimatrix scored even more. Welcome shots, free popcorn, very cheap booze, bras, and drinking horns on the ceiling, basically we should go there much more often. They even found a doggie water bowl for the four-legged hashers. Not to be confused with the one-footed and two crutched hashers.

Editors Note – Think you can do better? Volunteer to do the next write-up. Please send a hasher life insurance policy, better trained dog owners, and stolen drinking horns to ZH3.com.

ZH3 Hash #1077: World Peace Through Beer – Write-up

Name: ZH3 Hash #1077: World Peace Through Beer

Location: Hare’s Hutch – Uster

Hare: Wet & Ready, Supported by Thirsty Thursday

RA: Weapons of Ass Destruction

Attendance: 24 half-minds and two dogs

Scribe: Hold My Hairy Wiener

This week the Hashers ventured outside of the familiar 110 Zone to explore the deep dark backwoods of Uster and celebrate beer in all its peace making glory. The Hashers arrived at the Hare’s hutch to discover the hare, Wet & Ready, was out finishing trail all on her own, so TT stepped up to deliver a chalk talk of sorts.

We had one virgin joining us – Just Andrea – that had no idea what we were doing from the chalk talk, but she was a good sport and followed the pack until she made some sense of things.

The trail was expertly laid and easy to follow even without a hare to herd us through the checks. To keep the pack together, there were plenty of check points, check backs, and best of all, Drink Stops. There were three drinks stops with a different international beer available at each, which were enjoyed by everyone other than Vulva Las Vegas. The first we came across after less 1km true trail, where many cans of Boddingtons were consumed. At the second stop, atop a hill, a beer so strong it can hardly be called a beer (and cannot at all be remembered by the scribe) was downed in slightly smaller quantities. At the third drink stop we were joined by our lovely hare and drank many cans of Old Speckled Hen.

The trail concluded back at the Hare’s Hutch, where items were gathered and taken to circle nearby. There we had the usual Swiss beers for drinking and wonderful snacks.

Notable Down Downs:

  • Slippery Digit was dead-bugged for requesting sexual favors from a canine and other nonsense
  • Just Andrea for being a virgin with down down assistance by Christian Harlot
  • Stick a Dick in It and Late Cummer for swapping shirts on trail
  • Hold My Hairy Wiener for her final hash with Zurich for the near future, and MeMe came in on hands and knees as a stand in Disco Bitch
  • Vulva Las Vegas for making sure the walkers didn’t miss a drink stop even though she hates beer
  • A bunch of other stuff but there was a lot of beer on trail so it was all quickly forgotten.

Venue: Hare’s hutch for bag storage and on-after at Zeughaus Bar.

Editors Note – Think you can do better? Volunteer to do the next write-up. Please send post-cards from your trip around the world, the name of the 2nd beer, and the secret to expertly laid trails to ZH3.com.

ZH3 Hash #1076: Wiener Takes All – Write-up

 Name: ZH3 Hash #1076: Wiener Takes All

Location: Shamrock Pub, Wollishofen
Hare: Hold My Hairy Wiener, Disco Bitch, Just Ben
RA: Weapons of Ass Destruction
Attendance: 42 half-minds and one dog
Scribe: Down On My Sister

A herd of hashers arrived in old familiar Wollishofen and deposited their detritus, notably trying to avoid crushing a small baby in a pram that was left at the bag drop – it turns out, by a bartender. Infanticide, now THAT would be a way to start a hash.

After chalk talk and the introduction of virgin Just Nico – we tried not to lose him – the hash began, with everyone curious what kind of trail would be laid thanks to Disco Bitch’s wandering nose. Where would we end up? In garbage cans amongst tasty food scraps? Following strange trajectories as the Bitch chased a chipmunk? Or maybe we would just stay in a nice fleece-lined bag all hash, cuddled up against Hold My Hairy Wiener?

We followed flour down and across the hill, wondering if we would head towards the woods or towards the lake. It got darker and darker and several half-minds regretted not bringing a headlamp. The trail was well-marked and one check-back was a little too obvious, leading Flat n’ Easy to correctly intuit the turn in direction before the FRB’s had reached the offending mark. MeMe considered this poor hash behavior but what is a hasher if not a shortcutter? We all got extremely confused at an intersection (what else is new), but eventually made our way under the train tracks and down to Lake Zurich, where several hashers found it worthwhile to investigate the island despite the fact that there is only one entrance/exit and thus the trail could not lead on from there. We’re a smart bunch!

Following an aerial walkway we eventually got back on the “right side of the tracks” and everyone knew it was going to be a big hill to get to the beer stop. The trail passed by Butt Bugger’s house and despite her disabled state she hid behind a wall and scared the shit out of some FRB’s, then kindly cheered on the rest of us. Later in the climb some felt the need to try to vault a fence in order to get to their beer. Others merely laughed as the hare called us back and admonished us against going on private property.

Everyone eventually reached the finish, even the virgin, and we enjoyed beer and copious snacks, honor to Christian Harlot for correctly provisioning us. In fact everyone reached the end at practically the same time – a well-laid trail!

Aside from actual down-downs, S.C.U.M. made a lady friend during circle, congratulations S.C.U.M.

Notable Down-Downs:

  • For Hold My Hairy Wiener for haring for the last time before her departure.
  • Thumper Inside for never having seen a penis, apparently something about the dark.
  • Naked and Wasted for now being 30, my god, he’s practically dying of old age.
  • Several hashers for wearing shorts when it is clearly winter.
  • Butt Bugger for wearing many warm clothes despite being Canadian.
  • A deadbug but the scribe can’t remember who because she was probably drunk already.
  • Every time the hares drank, so did all the Austrians, because, you know, Wiener.

Venue: Familiar venue. They are nice.

Editors Note – Think you can do better? Volunteer to do the next write-up. Please send glow in the dark condoms, hot blooded Canadians, and dead baby jokes to ZH3.com.

ZH3 Hash #1072: Border Patrol Write-up

Name: ZH3 Hash #1072: Border Patrol
Location: Restaurant Gartenhof – Testarossa, Seestrasse 15A, 8805 Richterswil, Switzerland
Hare: Spunky McSpunk Face
RA: Weapons of Ass Destruction
Attendance: Officially 16 hashers (5 no shows, may their beer be given to thirsty hashers), one non-lost dog, and a red woolly blanket
Scribe: The Shamcock

After making the long and arduous journey from Zürich to the border town of Richterswil, and enduring the horror of crossing many a SBB zone, the main herd of hashers arrived in a timely fashion to the On-In.  They then had to endure frustrated beer drinking due to, several late comers and worry about the silent no shows, who we assumed had been kidnapped by the evil citizens of Canton Schwyz. Yes, we had traveled so far that we were on the borders of this hellish Canton.

With a brief chalk talk we moved out, the hare’s warnings of hostile natives echoing in our ears.

We set off at a brisk pace, following flour down to the lake, knowing in the back of our minds that the steep hill was behind us. The trail was well marked and the cries of On-On echoed through the dark streets. It was indeed steep with many a check back, which unlike last week the hashers actually ran. At one point, there was a collective “readers block”, which surprisingly happened at the UF check back.  This occurred at the border of Zürich where the hostility of the locals was greatest and the hill the steepest. Fortunately, after most of the hashers arrived the “readers block” resolved itself and we were able to continue.

The hare’s tales about the natives proved true. One local admitted to removing trail, but turned out to be a friendly fellow. He explained that he thought they were marks made by burglars, marking the houses, and so had them removed. After assuring him we were just a bunch of runners looking for beer at the end of the trail, we moved on enduring the hostile stares of many a native and even the slow drive of a large BMW.

And so on to circle. Snacks were provided by Weapon Ass Destruction
Also, under the new Beer-raiser system, drinks were provided by MeMe & Ice-Footsie, down down cups were forgotten so we drank out of our cans.

Notable Down-Downs:

  • Eat my pussy was dead bugged for head gear in the circle (multiple head gears in the circle)
  • JUST Selma for impeccable hair style after the run
  • Loves It Down Under for Red Rocketing, please ask Weapon Ass Destruction for an exact description, but basically LIDU was rubbing Ice Footse’s dog`s penis.
  • Shamcock for being tea bagged by Ice Footse’s dog, there seems to be a trend
  • Thirsty Thursday for getting his cast chewed on by (guess who?) Ice Footse’s dog who was having a blast.
  • Spunky McSpunk Face for getting lost on his own trail
  • The usual boring sex in circle for Shamcock and LIDU
  • Circle ended when a few drops of rain fell and the hashers ran like pansies as if they were made of sugar

Venue: Cheap beer. Food very good, reasonable prices. Restaurant was hash friendly and glad to serve us

Editors Note – Think you can do better? Volunteer to do the next write-up. Please send a definition of “readers block”, interesting sex, and running pansies to ZH3.com.

ZH3 Hash #1071: Let me Schwamending you hash – Write-up

Name: ZH3 Hash #1071: Let me Schwamending you hash

Location: Pizzeria Don Emilio, Schwamendingen

Hares: Shamcock and Dick Back of Notre Dame (formally Just Claude)

RA: Weapons of Ass Destruction

Attendance: 38 hashers, one lost dog, and a baby

Scibe: MeMe

So there we were… North of North East into the back end of beyond (or just shy of Stettbach!)

Why were we there? Because we were promised shiggy, hills, tunnels, and medically injected shots. Whatever that all means.

After waiting a sensible period of time for stragglers, we were off with only a bit of late start. Straight up a small hill and almost immediately resolve was tested, with the 1st tunnel ‘challenge’ presenting itself. A notable performance by GRAB MY SACK, for taking his shoes off. After this, onwards and surprise, surprise upwards.

A few more checkbacks caused the pack to start to become splintered. A good have dozen, including SLIPPERY DIGIT (more on him later!), DOG WOODY, and others were caught in a massive checkback and just thought … “Not back up that hill,” almost as if they could already smell the beer stop and proceeded to ‘Zen home’. More fools them, as they missed the Shot stops provided by SHAMCOCK and the as of yet un-named Claude.

The main pack spurred on by their shots were not long (<10mins) after the short-cutters.

So on to circle. Snacks were provided by LIDU in the form of Cheese, grapes, and Bread. Much enjoyed by all.

Also, under the new Beer-raiser system, drinks were provided by MEME, ICE-FOOTSIE & DOG WOODY. Efforts much appreciated. Also new was if you are going to drink from a bottle (bubbles or cider), Down Down vessels are not to be used. Remember this for the future!

Notable Down-Downs:

SPUNKNIK for not knowing who the committee are

BELCHES WITH WOLVES and 1-NIGHT WONDER, for a multitude of reasons.. Going to the Zoo (No need as the Hash provides all the animals you need!), being late, and Last but not least, was curing SLIPPERY DIGIT of his constipation by scaring the shit out of him on the way back in. I can’t think of worse person to scare you in the darkness!

Virgin Just Casper said he would come again

Last but not least, the main event being the naming of Just Claude…

He had a white tee-shirt that someone had written a cock and balls on his back in permanent marker. The shirt was washed but the cock and balls remained and persists … So not the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but Arise ‘Dick Back of Notre Dame’ (something to do with being French in there too!)

Venue: Cheapish beer. Food good enough, cheap enough.

Editors Note – Think you can do better? Volunteer to do the next write-up.

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