Category: General BS

Zh3 Hash #1122 The Fibo-not-cci Hash

Zh3 Hash #1122 The Fibo-not-cci Hash

Hares: Weapon of Ass Destruction and Just Nina on her Virgin lay.
RA: Asphalt Liquor.
Scribe: Just Begging for It

This bank holiday Hash was planned like many Summer Hashes before it with the Hares having great expectations of beautiful sunny weather and cold plentiful beer. Alas, the mischievous Hash Gods had a different plan in mind for this Thursday Hash and soaked the trail and the hares in torrential rain whilst flour was being laid. Also, the sudden surge in late sign ups was likely to result in the unthinkable becoming reality – that the Hash may not have enough beer to satisfy the thirst of the many beer guzzling Hashers.

However, hopes were raised amongst the faithful as the raindrops gave way to sunshine just as the Hash was due to begin. Obviously Christian Harlot, who was not in attendance, was performing a naked rain dance somewhere in a field in Switzerland. The desperate plea for more beer was answered as further reinforcements were supplied, thereby avoiding the sight of marauding beer thirsty hashers desperately seeking more beer to quench their insatiable thirst.

As for yours truly, this Hash started like any other until I was accosted by Buttbugger in the corridor outside the toilets, held down against my will and forced to take multiple photos of her ass for her own personal gratification. However, I knew Hash justice would be had in circle later and already my first nomination for bad behaviour was attained.

Chalk Talk was orated by Just Nina and will go down in Hash history as the most eloquent and coherent Chalk Talk ever given. Which makes it even more bizarre when for reasons known only to himself Saddam still managed to go in the completely wrong direction immediately following Chalk Talk and subsequently spent the whole of the Hash searching for non-existent flour. A virgin from Denmark was introduced plus some fellow Scandinavian visitors from the Geneva Hash.

The trail itself can be best described as hilly. There was a hill at the beginning, a hill at the end and countless more hills in between. And just when you thought there couldn’t be any more hills undoubtedly you would be wrong. The many check backs, and there were nearly as many as there were hills, ensured that the pack stayed together. The pack can be best described as chatty and jovial. So much so, it reminded me of going for a walk with my mother and her friends, except instead of copious amounts of tea at the end we drank beer.

There was more than the usual amount of Hash Shenanigans on trail and because of the close pack plenty of witnesses of such Shenanigans. Shamcock and Likes it Down Under had to forego their usual romp in the woods due to the overlooking Hash pack and had to make do with just holding hands instead. Slippery Digit was confessing to the Virgin how he lived a quiet and sheltered life before hashing and it was only since joining the Hash that he since discovered Beer, Running & Sex. The Virgin was starting to wonder had she joined a running club or a cult.

But just as we thought nothing could disturb our good humour a ferocious thud was heard at the rear of the pack as if a great oak tree had been felled to the forest floor. It became apparent one of our dear Hash brothers had fallen whilst crossing a bridge in the forest. As concern for our fallen brother passed throughout the pack a shout went up “Ah, it’s only Vega”. Our concerns were soon replaced with relief and indifference as the pack continued on its merry way in the quest for beer. Some kind Hashers did indeed assist poor WC in Vega from the floor where his pride still lies. Obviously he was distracted by what he thought were Bitcoins glistening in the river below the bridge and fell to earth in his haste to retrieve his gold pan he always carries with him.

But such Hash kindness soon gave way to an evil crime of the highest order on trail as Granny Muff was witnessed killing a poor unfortunate slug who until the arrival of Granny Muff’s clown size trainers was happily feasting on flour. No doubt there is a fine on the way to Granny Muff’s residence from the Swiss authorities who take this form of mollusc cruelty very seriously indeed.

Finally after overcoming the many hills the venue was in sight and the guzzling of beer began. Fortunately Saddam had also found the beer after returning from his own private Hash trail.

Circle was officiated by Asphalt Liquor and was literally a circle of high spirits as Schogginatrix found herself possessed by the ghost of a Songmeister. As the down downs were being handed out Schoggi, in a shock to herself and the rest of the Hashers, repeatedly found the perfect song for each down down. Either we were witnessing an incident of paranormal activity or an audition for resident Songmeister.

The circle started as it normally ends with announcements made by Hashers who clearly knew nothing whatsoever about what they were announcing. The Danish Virgin and her fellow Scandinavian visitors were treated to a proper Zurich Hash welcome and a down down song yet all the while looking quite traumatised at the knowledge that they were all born illegitimate. Buttbugger deservedly received her down down for her pre hash indiscretion and for simply having a fine ass. Saddam was overheard saying what he thought he was only thinking – that yes indeed Buttbugger does possess a fine ass. Despite his protestations he was presented with a down down for saying what we were all thinking. Asphalt Liquor shared a down down with her beloved husband of 10 years Papa Caca and as they stared into each others eyes Asphalt wondered how her manly German hunk had in the last 10 years of matrimony somehow transferred into a Portuguese lady resembling Squatty Potty.

The French were called into circle for no reason other than for being French and the opportunity for the Hashers to sing a song about a French man taking a shit and searching for his papier. The Italians were called into circle for being Italian. If that in itself is not enough punishment in this life they then had to endure listening to an Italian version of the Hash necrophiliac song courtesy of Slippery Digit, complete with hand gestures The Godfather himself would be proud of.

The Beer Bitches, Ice Footsie and Dog Woody, were called into circle not for any indiscretions regarding their beer pouring which was impeccable, but rather for their pathetic attempts at crushing empty beer cans. Prior to accepting their down down song they were provided with a final attempt to demonstrate their manliness by crushing a can in circle. Ice Footsie finally channelled his inner Thor in a reference to our Scandinavian visitors to crush his can in one clean stamp. However, Dog Woody’s attempt at can crushing was met with panic as Hashers and civilians watching from their balconies overhead took cover from the resulting aluminium shrapnel scattered far and wide around the circle.

Alas, all good hashes come to an end and we retreated to the comfort of The Grain to drink craft beer and feast on heart warming food. Hashers soon after disappeared into the Zurich night with legs full of pain, bellies full of beer and heads full of the thoughts of Buttbugger’s ass.

A big Hashy thank you to Weapon and Just Nina for a memorable and superb Hash.

Thanksgiving Hash 2017

ZH3 Hash #1084

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Regular 5 CHF hash cash for the run,  30 CHF for Thanksgiving dinner (5 CHF for kids under 12; kids over 12 will be charged full price and given small beer).

Location: Bäckeranlage, Langstrasse, 8004 Zürich, Switzerland

Let us know if you are coming and what you are bringing by signing-up on this form. Please bring food!

Zurich Hash House Harriers

Migros Bank AG, 8010 Zürich
IBAN: CH74 0840 1000 0519 9117 9
Account holder: Zürich Hash House Harriers

Address: Schaffhauserstrasse 35, 8006 Zürich

Memo: ZH3 Thanksgiving 2017


(Yes, this is the same graphic as last year.)

ZH3 Hash #1073: The Spit Roast Hash – Write-up

Name: ZH3 Hash #1073: The Spit Roast Hash
Location: Robinsonspielplatz, and in the deep dark woods
Hare: Climbidia and Papa F.K.K.
RA: Weapons of Ass Destruction
Attendance: Officially 35 hashers, dogs, and assorted offspring.
Scribe: MeMe

This is not so much a story of the hash, but of the build-up, the delivery, the smuggling, the kiddy scaring, the cooking, the acrobatic carving, and the many occurrences surrounding the hash itself!

It wasn’t your average, Ho-hum run of the mill hash. I want to Mention ROUSs but I don’t think they exist!

Where to begin? The hash was aptly named ‘Spit roast hash’ due to the cooking method employed to prepare the sacrificial offering. How was this obtained? The Piggy was smuggled across the border under the cover of darkness by one of the co-hares Papa F.K.K.

Once delivered to a secret location on the outskirts of Zürich, off-spring units were informed of the delivery of said Piggy. This news was met with much squealing (not by the piggy) and excitement by the offspring units. A short lived event as the kids were introduced to the dressed, albeit eyeless piggy in the boot of the car. Where she/he lay until the early morning. The sex of the ‘It was bought in a Cash deal’ Piggy was not discussed between the smuggler and the providing abattoir, and was only discussed in and around the fire pit.

The Piggy was moved ‘to location’ in the early hours for a slow roasting. 0700 was discussed. The fire was set, and the slowly rotating piggy was guarded for the forthcoming 7-8 hours by Just Joe with further support from Stogie Gibberish. Any romantic visions of slaves standing fireside will unfortunately have to disappear as the electric rotisserie was powered by a car battery, provided by Slippery Digit. (Who had to carry the car battery home, when nobody was sober! No good deed goes unpunished!)

Fast forward to the early afternoon: Several Virgins attended, one of whom came from Liechtenstein as “There is nothing to do there and I have had to travel 2 hours to get here”. 2 others that ran too much, but more on them later. And another local guy with a big beautiful dog.

More than a few regular hashers also arrived with side dishes in hand. Our GM, Asphalt Licker, brought home made red cabbage. Many salads were also provided. Scribe never saw who brought what so cannot name. There were 2 fantastic cakes. In the words of Cheesy Balls, the walnut cake, prepared by Sticky Fingers was, “Dreadful … As I only got one piece!”

So on to the hash itself. Most noticeable in the chalk talk was the over emphasized ‘Boar & Piglet’ split. The extra-long Boar section when compared to the super short Piglet turned out to be about 60m different in length. I guess that the hares have to amuse themselves somehow.

The weather forecast was dreadful … but wrong. Fantastic weather. Scribe did about 10Km. Two of the virgins did +14Km, came in 1st etc. Enjoyed it and said they would be back. Some previously used trail, but plenty of virgin territory …

At the circle and On-In. The hashers arrived to a table full of food, Piggy slow roasting, and circle. Impatient hashers continually distracted wanting to be fed.

Noticeable Down-Downs?

  • Obviously the smuggling Hare & when one Hare drinks…
  • Virgins/ visitors / over achievers
  • Food providers
  • There was a dead bug
  • Grab my Sack did something. (Scribe should really scribe the day after, not 10+ later!)
  • Slippery Digit for “Piggy was driven by my juices”, less said about that the better really.
  • Dog owners for errant dogs in circle – Slippery Digit, Hold My Hairy Wiener, and 1 Just Dog Owner.
  • The other 2 unnamed virgins were down downed for ‘Winning and over achieving’.
  • Anyway short circle, due to excess slobbering of persons eyeing up Piggy.

Not in circle but a noticeable performance by Climbidia for bearing down on Piggy, with carving knives in hand. I am sure that straddling Piggy from above was not necessary, but it looked good.

All hashers finally left with very happy, with full bellies, and plenty of leftovers.

Editors Note – Think you can do better? Volunteer to do the next write-up. Please send leftovers, an Uber for Slippery Digit, and more walnut cake to