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ZH3 Hash #1131: A break from Football – Writeup

ZH3 Hash #1131: A break from Football
Hares: Squatty Potty, Sticky Fingers, One Night Wonder, Wet & Ready
RA: Smokin Cock
Scribe: yourself (guided by Weapon of Ass Destruction)

A choose your own hash-venture scribing

Instructions: Start at line 1, make choices, then move along to the indicated line…

—>1    As another day at the office draws to a close, you ponder how to spend your Thursday evening.  You decide to…

## Go to the hash:             Go to line 42
## Watch the World Cup:             Go to line 12
## Go to a friend’s farewell party:        Go to line 3

—>2    Sensing danger, you pour more beer and hand it out efficiently. Circle continues, everyone receiving their beer without even asking. No one even notices you’re there. After some questionable down downs, the RA closes the circle. Go to line 24.

—>3    A friend’s farewell party can’t be missed. You head over and commiserate over a few beers. Losing track of time, you realise you’ve completely missed the hash. Well, nothing to do now but keep your head down and avoid attention.  Go to line 10.

—>4    Dot after dot, you prance along the trail like a gazelle.  OnOn, OnOn, you are perfection. Nothing can stop this joy.  But what is this? You look down… Go to line 27.

—>5    That was a bad idea. The beer bitch has gone from bad to worse. They sloppily stumble over to you to demand you stop with your nonsense. In response you…

##What time is it?            Go to line 20
##Pipe down for once            Go to line 24

—>6    After some strangely worded down downs by the RA, a nominee is left waiting for a beer. You…

##Shout ‘What time is it?’        Go to line 17
##Wait patiently to give a nomination    Go to line 43

—>7    A classic nomination. The virgins nervously drink their beer and sneak back the outside of the circle.  Next, you move on to the backflip guy. Go to line 28

—>8    Swaying back and forth, the beer bitch is starting to look worse for the wear. Again, a brief silence falls over the circle.  You…

##What time is it?            Go to line 5
##Finally nominate after waiting for ages    Go to line 49

—>9    Well, well… that wasn’t well received and rebounded back to you. Nevertheless, the show must go on.  Your next nomination is…

##Footsie throwing his dog into the fountain    Go to line 15
##Virgins                    Go to line 7

—>10    You send a few taunting messages to the Mismanagement group, jokingly suggesting you could be the scribe without even attending. The committee, being filled with sick and sadistic hashers, takes you up on your offer. Not one to shy away from your duties, you begin scribing. The more you write, the  more lost you become in your own story… Go to line 1

—>11    An X greets you and thanks you for your efforts. Return to the previous checkpoint.  Go to line 26

—>12    The world cup only comes around once every 4 years, You can’t miss this… You head to a pub to watch the Japan vs. Poland match. Go to line 36.

—>13    You join the circle and vaguely pay attention as the hares ramble on about the same old markings. After what seems like an eternity, you are finally pointed in the right direction and take off.

##You are an athlete in peak performance        Go to line 43
##You’ll get to the circle eventually        Go to line 45

—>14    Everyone gathers around you as you. You expertly explain the trail, all of the intricacies and details are crystal clear. The whole circle looks on you with great admiration. Chalk talk done, you send them off towards the first checkpoint.  Go to line 48

—>15    Everyone loves that dog, and it was hot… What were you thinking? A second rebound… now you have to use your A-material. You move on to the backflip guy. Go to line 29

—>16    Confidently, you kick off circle. After some well crafted banter, you move along to…

##Something about penetration and Kneels sporadically    Go to line 9
##The Hares                        Go to line 34

—>17    The beer bitch’s efficiency hasn’t been improved by the greasing. Sensing another pause in the action, you…

##Ask the time again                        Go to line 8
##Shout ‘Ooo ooo ooo’ in an attempt to get your nomination in    Go to line 49

—>18    Everything is getting blurry. You aren’t sure if you’ve been greased 3 or 5 times. Everything goes quiet. You look up to see the whole circle staring at you.  Think of something, fast! You shout ‘What time is it?’ Go to line 21

—>19    You jog around the corner. You keep looking, through alleys and across bridges, farther and farther away. Things gradually look less familiar. Where are you? Why is everyone speaking Spanish? After days of trying, you slowly begin to accept your new life as a dishwasher in Buenos Aires.

—>20    The beer bitch responds to your latest query with a stream of vomit all over your brand new shoes. This draws the RA’s attention to them, and prompts you to baptise them and endure one of the least pleasant down downs of your career. The RA decides enough is enough and closes circle. Go to line 24.

—>21    Wait! You’re the beer bitch, your brilliant plan has backfired… The RA steps in and mercifully says ‘Time to close the circle.’  Go to line 24

—>22    Blue lights flash… you turn to run only to find more behind you. You’ve attracted some unwanted attention and now Zurich’s Finest surround you. As you roll away in the back of a police wagon, you change your RSVP for next week’s hash to a no…

—>23    Maybe it’s the beer, maybe you’re a bit thick, but you go to stutter and accidentally ask what time it is we start the hash. Before you can finish, someone jumps in with ‘Time to grease the beer bitch’. Another beer done, and you are longing for the end. You…

##Ask how much longer will circle be? You need to know if you need to open more cans.    Go to line 18
##Stay focused, try to stretch out the beer you have left.  Go to line 2

—>24    After the Chariots, Bands of Angels, and Scooby Doo, the hash goes in peace.

—>25    You wander into a nearby park. You see Ice Footsie struggling with Snuffler. It seems the dog is more than he can manage. Do you help?

##Of course        Go to line 40
##His dog, his problem    Go to line 30

—>26    You arrive at the first checkpoint.  Which way will you check?

##Straight ahead        Go to line 4
##Up the hill        Go to line 11
##Through the cemetery    Go to line 19

—>27    A fishhook… what kind of cruel mind could invent this kind of abomination? You are crestfallen, but you know what you must do.  Go to line 37.

—>28    After a pantomime backflip, everyone chuckles. A well administered circle, indeed. Time to finish up.  Go to line 24.

—>29    Before you can start, you are interrupted. Someone nominates the RA for the weather. After some time assembling the table, you yourself
are dead bugged. That’s enough for now. You wipe your face, then close the circle.  Go to line 24.

—>30    You carry on and find a true treasure. A BN scribbled on the ground with flour. The end is in sight. You…

##Sprint to the end. A lower split time means more Kudos!    Go to line 31
##Saunter to the end, circle won’t start for ages anyway.        Go to line 46

—>31    You stop your GPS the instant you reach the BS. Feeling deeply fulfilled, you reach for a beer… but what’s this? You were too fast,
the beer isn’t here yet. You have to wait for the others.  Go to line 46

—>32    Checkpoints come and go, the group is together and everyone is happy. But wait, where is Facial? He’s been gone for a while now,
should you go look for him?

##Of course, no man left behind.                Go to line 19
##He gets lost every week, he’ll find his own way.    Go to line 50

—>33    Everyone is a bit confused, but Slippery takes his down down and trudges out. You continue with the backflip guy. Go to line 28.

—>34    Everyone chuckles at the petty complaints and thanks the hares for the hard work and shitty trail. Next…

##Virgins                Go to line 7
##Slippery Digit and the Zebra Crossing    Go to line 33

—>35    You spring to action, pouring countless beers, ciders, and NAs. The RA mutters somethings about someone.

##You’re thirsty. What time is it?            Go to line 41
##Quickly and quietly dispense the goods.    Go to line 2

—>36    As the second half drags on, Japan passing the ball back and forth in their own half, you finish beer after beer. Staring intently at the screen, you gradually go mad. Go to line 47.

—>37    Like opposing sides of a trench war, two people come face to face. DFL and FRB together, if only briefly. But this is no time for sentiment, the beer awaits.  Go to line 44.

—>38    Surely the unexpected way is the correct way. You dart across the street, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car.  On the other side, it seems you’ve attracted some attention. Go to line 22.

—>39    You come across a marked through checkpoint, a delight. You trot along in the correct direction. But what’s this, some overconfident FRB is gloomily running back towards you.  Go to line 37.

—>40    Wait… that isn’t Ice Footsie… You’ve just accosted some random stranger and stolen their dog.  Go to line 22.

—>41    Ah, nothing like a cold beer to entertain yourself while beer bitching. Circle continues. After some time, you question what you should do next.

##Make a nomination about people being late    Go to line 23
##Refill the empty cups                Go to line 2

—>42    Being of sound mind and poor liver, you decide to go to the hash.

##After all, you were the hare, you can’t miss your own hash.      Go to line 14
##A bit of running and beer would certainly be better than endless World Cup coverage.    Go to line 13

—>43    With Strava already running, you sprint down the road at maximum speed, you have Kudos to earn.  Go to line 26.

—>44    A checkpoint. But which way to go?

##The narrow alleyway        Go to line 30
##Cross the busy street        Go to line 38
##Into the grassy field        Go to line 25

—>45    It’s going to be a long trail, and you’re already tired from work. No need to rush. Being a sensible DFL, you amble off. When you finally arrive at the checkpoint, no one is around… it’s not marked through… You listen and barely make out OnOn and see a flash of familiar haberdashery. You trot along.  Go to line 39.

—>46    Everyone is finally together again. You grab a beer and circle begins.

##You are the RA                Go to line 16
##You are the beer bitch                Go to line 35
##You settle into the outside of the circle        Go to line 6

—>47    After 10 minutes of sideways passes, something snaps in your head. You tear your shirt off and run screaming out of the pub. Swimming naked in a fountain screaming something about Inverting the Pyramid and false 9s has eased your troubles. You stand up and begin to look for your underwear when… Go to line 22.

—>48    As you reach the first checkpoint, OnOn is called and you mark through and move on. This is going perfectly.  Go to line 32.

—>49    You stand with your drink on your head waiting to give a nomination. Your arms grow tired, you switch hands, then back again. Sadly, announcements come and go, and the hash is deprived of your witty nomination. The RA closes the circle.  Go to line 24.

—>50    After a tiring day, you come to the Beer Near, for the second time.  Go to line 46.

ZH3 Hash #1127: RED DRESS RUN 2018 – Writeup

ZH3 Hash #1127: RED DRESS RUN 2018
Hares: Dog Woody, Just Patty, and Dick Back of Notre Dame
RA: Asphalt Liquor and Weapon of Ass Destruction
Scribe: Grab Me By The Pussy

The 4th annual Red Dress Run, organized by the divine combination of Loves It Down Under (who celebrated her birthday and received a bell in an attempt to satisfy her pleasuring desires at will, results are TBD without details) and Shamcock, started off in glorious fashion with superb weather provided by the lovely RAs of Asphalt Liquor and Weapon of Ass Destruction, gobs of money being collected for the charity of Susy Utzinger Stiftung für Tierschutz, and plenty of hashers and horrors dressed to kill in their red dresses… and then the chalk talk started.

In true ZH3 fashion, one of the hares, Dog Woody, cleverly snuck off for one last, long stare in the mirror and to have a moment to himself to think “Damn, I look good in red”, and left his co-hare, Dick Back of Notre Dame to describe what lay ahead for the 60+ dashingly dressed hashers.

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ZH3 Hash #1120: The dark matter free hash – Writeup

Case number: 1120
Date and place of the accident: 26.04.2018 in Pizzeria Don Emilio
Diagnosis: Insufficientia materiae nigra
Status presens generalis: Inadequate evaluation of the surroundings. Disoriented, uses random inappropriate words, sings spontaneously.

Anamnesis: States that accident happened around 19 PM in the rural region of Schwamendingen. Remembers becoming spontaneously exhilarated. By the sight of circles suddenly started screaming and running in random directions. Claims to have been looking for a mythical path. No other data could be acquired.

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ZH3 Hash #1128: The Apple of my iHash – Writeup

ZH3 Hash #1128: The Apple of my iHash
Hares: Kneels Sporadically and Grab My Sack
RA: Weapons of Ass Destruction
Scribe: Facial Discrimination

A slightly sweating group of nearly 30 hashers gathered at the Pan Asian kitchen near Kreuzplatz. A pestilent and cantankerous Slippery Digit with Hund was on hand to collect funds while Weapons of Ass Destruction (WoAD) attempted to hawk tee-shirts.

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Zh3 Hash #1122 The Fibo-not-cci Hash

Zh3 Hash #1122 The Fibo-not-cci Hash

Hares: Weapon of Ass Destruction and Just Nina on her Virgin lay.
RA: Asphalt Liquor.
Scribe: Just Begging for It

This bank holiday Hash was planned like many Summer Hashes before it with the Hares having great expectations of beautiful sunny weather and cold plentiful beer. Alas, the mischievous Hash Gods had a different plan in mind for this Thursday Hash and soaked the trail and the hares in torrential rain whilst flour was being laid. Also, the sudden surge in late sign ups was likely to result in the unthinkable becoming reality – that the Hash may not have enough beer to satisfy the thirst of the many beer guzzling Hashers.

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ZH3 Hash #1121: The Rubix Cube Hash

ZH3 Hash #1121: The Rubix Cube Hash
Hares: KGBitch and Keys to the Treasure
RA: Asphalt and Slippy
Scribe: Just Brian

The venue was Stars & Stripes which is the BEST venue in Switzerland because it is the named for the BEST nation and only the BEST people go there and it has the BEST food. (Don’t order the nachos though as they have pickles instead of guacamole; they are both green, I guess.)

The hares were Keys to the Treasure and KGBitch which avoided doing a lovers’ down-down despite living together which has to be the fault of the RA.

The RA was Asphalt Liquor who did manage to organize better weather than was predicted with assistance from Slippery Digit.

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ZH3 Hash #1119: The Two Finger Discount Hash – Writeup

ZH3 Hash #1119 – The Two Finger Discount Hash
Hares: Sticky Fingers & Slippery Digit
RA: Weapon of Ass Destruction
Scribe: Buttbugger

General overview of meeting details:

  • Location – Pizza Callimero
    • Kindly note the venue generously offered to extend their opening hours to suit our unique needs. All attendees were encouraged to tip generously.
    • 38 attendees RSVPed via Meetup. A rough estimate in the vicinity of 45 turned up.
    • Gassy Lassy is a notoriously poor rsvper, Note, someone should clarify the value of the rsvp for such endeavors, as well as encouraging her to poop pre-hash.
  • Meeting marketing campaign
    • Two fingers for the price of one was advertised
    • To the best of our knowledge no one was fingered on the hash, which leads us question the accuracy of the advertising in this instance.

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ZH3 Hash #1117 – Un Hash italiano

ZH3 Hash #1117 – Un Hash italiano
Hare: Soaked Baloney
RA: Weapon of Ass Destruction
Scribe: How do you define Veird

Hashie, the Hash Stick

Hi, my name is Hashie, the hash stick! Before I became a hash stick, I was chillaxing for about 1-10 years (nobody can really tell how many exactly) in the woods of Oerlikon. I had quite a calm life until that one day #1117, when a stupid hasher, who goes by the name How Do You Define Veird, picked me up from my cozy, shiggy spot in the woods during another ZH3 trail! I was just in the middle of my annual hibernation, when that f****** tosser molested me and took me with him! He dragged me along all the damn trail and performed all kind of veird wanna-be martial arts movements from the Matrix. Veird banged me against trees, hash cars, hash bikes, hash brownies, other hashers and especially against each and every harriettes’s T&As – what a creep! Rumour has it, Veird even abused me to smash a window of a local immigrant shop owner who just got his C permit after trying so hard for continuous 25 years! I can’t really remember much of it coz it went all blurry after contracting a severe concussion when Veird threw me down 500 feet from Milchbuck bridge after soaking me in white gas and setting me on fire with his f***** fag.

I already thought it was over, but it took only a matter of seconds and Veird was in the starting blocks to continue his diabolic torturing of me! He dragged me around all of Kreis 11 until finally arriving at the Beer Stop at the old MFO park next to Oerlikon train station. I remember this place only from stories: My great-great-grandfather had served here years ago until the moment when they sliced him up into pieces in order for him to serve his final duty as wooden plank in Uto Kulm’s hotel on Uetliberg.

Veird had put me in the middle of the circle for everyone to see my tormented and hash-raped existence. Just when I started feeling a little bit more at ease for the first time in the long time, a f****** hash dog grabbed my by the pussy and aggressively cut my throat with his choppers in one go. All hashers, except Veird, got instantly disgusted by the massive amount of tree flesh and liquid that splattered all over the place – some even threw up or fainted. Luckily, a hash doctor stopped by to treat the incapacitated.

I am not sure what I have done wrong in my life to upset Gaia this much, but somehow I feel like I am doomed to live this life in darkness for an eternity…!

THE END.

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ZH3 Hash #1111: Annals Scavenger Hunt

ZH3 Hash #1111: Annals Scavenger Hunt
Hare: Asphalt Liquor & MeMe
RA: Weapon of Ass Destruction
Scribe: Cheesy Balls

Where am I? Zurich I think. No jelly shots.
New beer cooler in hand. Magic. No jelly shots.
Top of a hill. No car. No jelly shots.
People cycling up the hill. Why? Mad! No jelly shots.
Young girls giving stickers. No jelly shots.
Different colour stickers. Yellow for walkers. No jelly shots.
Sticky coloured teams. Only one purple. No jelly shots.
It’s cold and wet. Shorts and T-shirts for some. No jelly shots.
Circle up. Italians complaining ‘it’s cold’. No jelly shots.
I’m sure there were virgins. Did someone say ‘prizes’. No jelly shots.
No clue what’s going on. Some kind of hunt. No jelly shots.
Off we go. No markings. Hare lost. No jelly shots.
Accosted by scooter. Two front wheels. No jelly shots.
First stop and questions. No clue. Two jelly shots.
Blue pen for blue team. Makes sense. One jelly shot.
Paper gone and off we went. No jelly shots.
Up hills and down roads. Never saw any flour. No jelly shots.
Stop two and more questions. No clue. Three jelly shots.
Woods and some shiggy. Wrong way. No jelly shots.
Stop three and questions. Saved by an expert. Three jelly shots.
More trees and some paths. Light headed. No jelly shots.
More questions. Did someone say ‘Lik-em’. Three jelly shots.
Were we supposed to be running? No jelly shots.
Last quiz before beer. I think there were questions. Three jelly shots.
Found the BS. Yeah! Time for a beer. Cold and wet. Two jelly shots.
Circle was dark. Snacks were scavenged. Two jelly shots.
Hares magnificent. Down downs deserved. One jelly shot.
Walkers triumphant. The prize was given. Two jelly shots.
How long is the circle? ‘Who cares’. Three jelly shots.
Swing low and walk down. Many jelly shots.
How wonderful is the hash?

Thank you for moments of my life I cannot remember, but know were great!

 

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ZH3 Hash #1115: don’t know what I’m doing

ZH3 Hash #1115: don’t know what I’m doing
Hare: Tall Balls
RA: Asphalt Liquor
Scribe: What cums in Vega stays in Vega

Life rarely presents one with stark choices. This trail was an exception. As the pack raced merrily down a smooth and wide hiking trail in the mountains towering above triemli, a check-back led the pack to a point that asked hashers to leave the relative security of said smooth and wide trail, and descend down a formidable 50% slope consisting of mud, covered with loose leaves and hidden twigs and twines. Faced with this life-or-death fork in the road, the pack sensibly chose to spare life-and-limb. Except, that is, for a handful of daredevils who were subsequently rewarded with down-downs for their foolhardy election.

This suicidal shiggy run was the highlight (or was it the lowlight?) of this otherwise uneventful r*n (well mostly uneventful, but more on that later). It began in quite fair weather and broad daylight on a lovely green patch between a parking lot and a concrete underpass. The hare hastily drew some random circles on the grass to describe the trail markings, which made complete sense to veteran hashers and no sense whatsoever to the lone virgin.

Presently, the pack set off and was right away presented with an uphill climb. The climb culminated in a checkpoint that led part of the pack to fearlessly cross the railroad tracks of death, only to find themselves misled. Just as they prepared to cross back and rejoin the true trail, the gates of the crossing of the railroad tracks of death descended, and nearly decapitated an unsuspecting “smoking member” of our tribe. Rest assured, dear reader, that though he escaped unharmed on this occasion, he nevertheless faced the consequences during the circle.

The trail bobbed and weaved and descended and climbed (though it mostly climbed) through a bit of pavement, a bit of trail, and a whole bunch of shiggy, until the pack practically made its way to the top of Uetliberg. The hare won a lot of plaudits (angrily expressed throughout the ordeal by most of the pack) for leading us on this effortless journey.

At the end of the day, everyone miraculously made it back (though not everyone chose the path ambitiously laid out by the hare). Much merry was made at the circle, helmed by erstwhile and intermittent RA Asphalt Liquor. Cavity Search and Climbidia did a fine job as beer bitches.

Notable down-downs:

Slippery Digit: For Cunning Linguistics Involving a Canine.

Smoking Cock: For not dying by railroad crossing gate

Grab My Sack, WCIVSIV, Just Scott: Suicidal Shiggy Run

Squatty Potty and WCIVSIV: Due to the former accusing the latter of running like a gazelle (and then recreating the alleged long springy graceful strides for the benefit of the encircled assemblage).

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